Lots and lots of good stuff sent to us by Laurie... Thanks!!
 

FACTS FOR YOUR STOREHOUSE OF USELESS KNOWLEDGE

- Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
- The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has
memorized all 158 verses.
- There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
- The average persons’ left hand does 56% of the typing.
- A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
- There are more chickens than people in the world.
- Two-thirds of the worlds eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
- The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”
- On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American
flag.
- All of the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” are stuck on 4:20.
- No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
- “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt.”
- All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on
the beck of the $5 bill.
- Almonds are a member of the peach family.
- Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
- Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
- There are only four words in the English language which end in
“dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
- Los Angeles’s full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de
Los Angeles de Porciuncula, -and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its
size: “L.A.”
- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
- An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
- Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fir
- In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on
a watch is 10:10.
- Al Capone’s business card said he was a used fumiture dealer.
- The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross. (Pez is a brand
of candy with the pieces in a rectangular tube, topped by a plastic head.)
- When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home,
the stadium becomes the state’s third largest city.
- The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert
the cop and Emie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's “Its A Wonderful
Life.”
- A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
- A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
- On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper
left-hand corner of the “1” encased in the “shield” and a spider hidden
in the front upper right-hand corner.
- It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
- The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
- Who’s that playing the piano on the “Mad About You” theme? Paul
Reiser himself.
- In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
- The name for Oz in the “Wizard of Oz” was thought up when the
creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z,
hence Oz.
- The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube
and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
- Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
- John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
- The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
- There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

“Stewardesses” is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

-Points to Ponder

*Wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp? If you jogged backward,
would you gain weight?
*Being rich and it don’t mean so much. Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions
and he never owned a Cadillac!
*Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do... write to these men?
*Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen
could look for them while they delivered the mail?
*Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in
case of an emergency. Wouldn’t a good response be to write... A Good Doctor!
*People seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. What are they doing,
cramming for finals?
*Old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired
to bounce it.
Did Adam ever say to Eve, “Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from!”
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?’
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
The pen is mightier than the sword — if the sword is very small and the pen is real sharp.
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.
When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.
Stupidity got us into this mess. Why can’t it get us out?
The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.
Money isn’t everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch.
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, does it make a sound?
A single fact can spoil a good argument.
I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.
Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we’re already there?

Thoughts for the Day...

Why is "abbreviation” such a long word?
What would have happened if Kuwait’s main product was broccoli?
What’s a synonym for Thesaurus?
What’s the speed of dark?
When all else fails, call Bill Gates at home.
When all is said and done, more is said than done.
When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.
When puns are outlawed only outlaws will have puns.
When the chips are down, the buffalos empty.
When vultures fly they’re allowed carrion luggage.
When you wake up in the morning and nothing hurts you can be sure
you’re dead.
When you were born the doctor slapped your mother.
Whenever I feel like exercising I lie down until the feeling
passes.
Where can I find a synonym for thesaurus?
Where does the tire go when the fire goes out?
Where in the world does the guy who has everything put it?
Where there’s a will there’s a beneficiary.
Where there’s a will, there’s an attorney.
Where there’s smoke, there’s toast.
Where’s the ‘any’ key?
Wherever you came from, you’re not there now.
Who puts those “Thin Ice” signs out there?
Who wrote the rules on how to act your age?
Why bother phoning a psychic? Let them phone you!
Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free?
Why can’t DOS ever say “Excellent command or filename”?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do you need a driver’s licence to buy alcohol when you can’t drink and drive?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snow plough get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would
happen?
If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn
on the headlights?
You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says,
“Open somewhere else”?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you
transport something by ship, it’s
called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t
they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down
the volume on the radio?

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN (HONEST AND NO KIDDING):

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can
ignite.
A 3 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42
pound boy wearing batman underwear
and a superman cape.
It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you
get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it’s already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they
can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
Duplos will not.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage begs do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the own before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like owns.
The lire department in Austin has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy, and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 29
 

Signs That You are No Longer a Kid”

1. You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.
2. You are proud of your lawn mower.
3. You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
4. Your back goes out more than you do.
5. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
. You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
7. Your best friend is dating someone half their age. ..and isn’t breaking any laws.
8. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
9. You sing along with the elevator music.
10.You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
11.You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
12.You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
13.You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
14.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
15.People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
16.You hew a dream about prunes.
17.You answer a question with “Because I said so!’
18.You send money to PBS.
19.The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.
20.You take a metal detector to the beach.
21.You wear black socks with sandals.
22.You know what the word “equity” means.
23.You can’t remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch TV.
24.Your ears are hairier than your head.
25.You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.
26.You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
27.You got cable for the weather channel.
28.You can go bowling without drinking.
29.You hew a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.  

English is a stupid language.

There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
but if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth
shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
if the teacher taught,
why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
what the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
and as cold as hell on another

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
of a language where a house can burn up as
it burns down
and in which you fill in a form
by filling it out
and a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
and it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn’t a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this poem
It ends.

Quotes...

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am
sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a
hamstring.

The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere
and let the air out of their tires. -Dorothy Parker

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Families are like fudge.. Mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. It’s like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

My Mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.

If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.